The Secrets We Keep

We all have secrets, things about ourselves we don’t want anyone to know for fear it would diminish us in the eyes of people we respect. It’s natural and appropriate to keep certain things private, and we get to choose who is entitled to that information. But when does hiding something about ourselves hurt us? When does it make sense to reveal something we perceive as a flaw?

These questions came up in a client meeting with James, who has significant responsibilities in a San Francisco tech firm. You don’t need his resume with the PhD and MBA to know he is very intelligent and good at what he does. He has a strong relationship with the CEO and his team but James’s boss is giving him trouble. He extols the quality of James work, but wants him to ramp up the output and produce more, faster. The boss delivers that message often with demeaning, critical language. James is recruited for other jobs about once a week (normal in high tech) and he is interviewing.

Here’s the rub: James has been grappling with a neurological disorder that came to light after a cycling accident some years ago. You would not know to look at this sturdy man with the staccato gestures that he is diminished in any way. His body won’t let him churn out work like he used to and it never will. Interactions with his boss set him back emotionally and cause further delays in his productivity. For obvious reasons, he has kept this condition a secret from his employer and co-workers.

Something’s gotta give.

This generates a lot of shame for James. He feels “less than” and doesn’t want to be judged as ailing. At the same time, he feels out of alignment with his values by withholding information from his boss that would help him understand his limits. To reveal this in the interview process could have cost him the job, but he has contributed mightily to the organization. Should he reveal this to his boss, or to his next employer if and when he goes?

There is power in authentic conversations that reveal the truth, but the conversation would need to be thoughtful and well timed. Circumstances like this require a strategy and we agree to work together. First, I suggest James needs to bring Honorable Closure to the era of believing he is less than whole, and bring radical compassion and acceptance to his physical limits. It’s time to let go of the idea anything is ‘wrong’ and identify all the ways this experience has enhanced his humanity and ability to contribute. It’s time to integrate his new normal. How can his boss or anyone else accept his situation until he does?

Before our next appointment, I ask James to read Michael J. Fox’s memoir, “Lucky Man.” It’s an inspiring story about a series of courageous, authentic conversations he eventually had after learning he had Parkinson’s disease. These conversations freed him from hiding who he was and of what he was capable. It took seven years before he publically revealed his diagnosis to his adoring public. (Seven years is a long time.) He was the star of a top-rated sitcom and had to overcome paralyzing fear about the reaction of his boss, director Gary David Goldberg. Imagine the financial implications.

The weight of his secret squelched his creativity and exacerbated his health issues. The conversations freed him, but he first had to do the inner work of accepting the new conditions he was living with, without judgment or self-blame. MJK now believes,  “Acceptance doesn’t mean resignation; it means understanding that something is what it is and that there’s got to be a way through it.”

And the hands of time speak to the results. MJF is a highly respected public figure who continues to act, write, and make a significant contribution to the world. (If you don’t have time to read the book, take 10 minutes to read up on him on-line; prepare to be inspired.)

James is intrigued and terrified about the idea of exposing himself. Can you blame him? So much is at stake. I assure him he can approach all of this in his own time, because Honorable Closure is a process. The end of an old belief always makes room for something new. In the end, it might not make sense to disclose anything to a jerky boss that he thinks is untrustworthy. Regardless, changing the way he relates to himself will impact everything for the better. New possibilities will appear, I’m sure of it.

I welcome your comments and or questions about this post here on Facebook.